How To Be The Perfect Couple: Family Intervention by Britton Hansen and Jackson Alias blah blah blah you know the drill also I might have gone way too far this time sorry
With our two-plus years of coupling experience, from fights, to sexual relations, to forming the perfect balance of desperate-yet-charming text messages, our mission is to mold you and your significant other into the Brangelina of your friend group. In this week’s article, we offer you our best advice on how to control your critical in-laws.
Tip #1: Get Straight To The Point
Everyone has experienced the dreaded conversations with the family staple, the ancient grandma. The key to getting through them is to really dig into the root of her nosiness. She asks you when you’ll get married, you ask her when she’ll finally move on from her husband’s death. He died fifty years ago in Korea, grandma, get over it.
Tip #2: Threaten To Withhold The Grandchildren
The unfortunate truth of the matter is, your beau’s mother is always going to be critical of you. Nothing will ever be good enough for her little baby, which is the bad news and a fact of life. But don’t fret, because there are steps you can take to keep your cool, even when your beloved in-law is saying things like, “I really hate that Britton mooches off you like a leech.” Then, when she gives you a snide smirk, let her know that you won’t allow your child to be around her toxic behavior, because it already caused enough damage in Jackson--I mean your partner.
Tip #3: Stop Offering To Bring Food To Gatherings
This is possibly the most obvious solution we can offer, and yet people still commit the cardinal sin. We can empathize. You’re a nice young person from some Midwestern town, probably Kansas City, who just wants to offer your new, extended family some of your culture, despite its bland limits. But let’s get this straight: when your partner’s family calls the marshmallow yams or canned green bean casserole “interesting,” it isn’t a compliment. Save yourself the trouble and keep those recipes deep in your closet. This applies to the cheesy “spanish rice” you eat on weekends, too.
Tip #4: Remind Them That They Caused The Housing Crisis
Prepare yourself now: you will be asked why you don’t work, and why you’re leeching off of your partner when you’re perfectly capable of getting a job. When those uncomfortable comments with your new mother spill out after a few glasses of wine on Thanksgiving, let Sharon’s baby boomer ass know that you’d be able to get a job if her generation hadn’t pitched the snowball that let to the 2008 stock market crash, in which her spoiled escapades of the eighties cost you your lucrative job as a real estate agent. God, Sharon is such a bitch.
Tip #5: Prepare For The Funeral--Really, Really Preemptively
Have a game plan in place, even if death isn’t in the forecast for the foreseeable future. We have noticed that there is one particularly foolproof way to deal with funerals, including all of those gritty semantics involving the distribution of your loved one’s possessions. As soon as the plug is pulled, you and your lover should evacuate the hospital, drive straight to the abandoned house, take all of the dead one’s worldly items and knick knacks, throw them in a pile in the front yard, pour some gasoline on them, light a match, and watch it all burn. Not only does it save time, but it’s also a cathartic experience, and lets you unleesh all of that pent up anger from years of miserable, green bean casserole-less Thanksgivings. Jackson and I haven’t tried this yet, but it’s only because no one we know has died--mark our words, we’ll be practicing all of these tips in the future, but this one is going to be the most practical by far, and it can be for you too!