How to be the Perfect Couple: First Dates, by Jackson Alias and Britton Hansen but mostly Jackson Alias even though Britton Hansen is the English Writing Major and Jackson doesn’t even like to write
With our two-plus years of coupling experience, from fights, to sexual relations, to forming the perfect balance of desperate-yet-charming text messages, our mission is to mold you and your significant other into the Brangelina of your friend group. In this week’s article, we have a list of five tips to get you and your potential life partner through those dreaded first encounters. Nice word choice, Britton. Can you tell I don't mean that?
Tip #1: Drop Those Standards (ok ouch)
Bustle.com says that “forming a trusting and positive partnership takes time,” but we beg to differ. Rush into those relationships! If a guy on Tinder or a girl on Bumble asks if they can get you a drink, let them get you one--the greasier the person, the better. Think of it this way: if you let those standards go, you may even find that you enjoy the smell of Big Macs lingering in your date’s sheets--(Britton)--and let’s face it, the slice of two-week old Burger King Hershey’s pie you find in their fridge--(Britton)--after your lustful thirty seconds might be the closest you get to a wedding cake (not to mention those pies are orgasmic in and of themselves). Nothing says trust like eating a dessert from a fast food establishment.
Tip #2: Start Ordering Spaghetti
No date, not even the greasy Big Mac consumer--(Britton)--wants to watch you eat a salad for an hour and a half. We all know you’re not enjoying the papery texture of that lettuce, we can see you repressing the urge to gag, just stop pretending. Our research of two guys from Jackson’s dorm indicates that all people actually would prefer to Lady and the Tramp it on up with their first date, so the next time you want to look appealing, opt to slurp up some spoonfuls of sloppy spaghetti, and let a noodle fall into your shirt; it’ll be a sexy little surprise for your date, or a nice little snack when you get home. You won’t even need a to-go box, which will make your date even more impressed by your environmental consciousness! Or, you know, your date will think you are a pig. That’s kinky, too, I guess. Oink oink.
Tip #3: Consider Omitting those Pesky Quirks of Yours
No typical article about relationships can be complete without the cliche advice, “just be yourself.” But we here at Ringer The like to take a more direct, honest approach with our readers--after all, only the self-aware and self-improving read self-help articles like this one, and we feel it is important to offer legitimate advice. That means changing your snorting laugh into a Marilyn Monroe giggle, or getting those hair plugs (yes, even if you are a woman). Or maybe before you criticize other habits you could stop wiping your boogers on literally everything you filthy heathen. Listen, if those quirks made you a viable romantic partner, you wouldn’t be reading this, would you?
Tip #4: Let Your Anxiety Over the Impending Void of Death Dominate the Conversation. (Jesus Christ Jackson, way to fucking air out our dirty laundry)
Let’s face it: we are all going to be blown up (or die miserably alone and in terror) sooner or later. We suggest getting this conversation out of the way quickly, ripping off the band-aid. It’s important to be on the same page with your first date partner about the looming threat of world doom (And the death rattle that will leave your body as your last breath leaves your body) (Jackson, what the fuck is a death rattle?), and getting a sense of their survival plan is a great way to not only learn more about them, but also to determine if they have similar values. For example, do they have a luxurious bunker in the middle of the forest in North Carolina? And if so, can you count on them to offer you a spot in it, even if it comes down to saving you or their mother? Trust us on this one, if they don’t choose you over their mother, then they just aren’t the right kind of selfless partner you’re looking for. Looking at you, Jackson.
Tip #5: Realize That Soulmates Aren't Real and Movies Are Bullshit
To round off our five tips, we’ll end this with a cyclical nod to our first piece of advice: dropping those standards means letting go of those Romantic Comedy, When Harry Met Sally fantasies and notions. You are on this planet for one of two reasons: either to squirt your bodily fluids into a woman, or to let a man impregnate you. Or you’re gay, in which case, you really lucked out. Greasy Big Mac Consumer sure looks a lot better when you remember that having someone to look at, whether you’re old or in a bunker after a bunch of nuclear bombs lay waste to your friends and family, is more comforting than letting worms eat through your eyeholes or burning to a crisp at the eye of a fiery bomb blast. Look at me and Jackson: we’re in a loving, committed relationship (sure), mostly because of the bunker he has in North Carolina, but also because he looks at me sometimes.