How to Be The Perfect Couple: Tinder Advice, by Britton Hansen and Jackson Alias and by the way Britton Hansen actually wrote most of this article and she wrote most of the last one too (okay, Britton, I thought we were doing this together but that’s just fine).
With our two-plus years of coupling experience, from fights, to sexual relations, to forming the perfect balance of desperate-yet-charming text messages, our mission is to mold you and your significant other into the Brangelina of your friend group (but, you know, without the divorce). In this week’s article, we discuss our firsthand experience with turning your tinder dates into coveted one-night sexual conquests (that leave you empty inside).
Tip #1: Work On Your Pickup Lines
We begin this article with possibly the most important aspect of tinder etiquette: your first impression. In the past several weeks, Jackson Alias’s roommates have partaken in a successful experiment, in which they used a variety of phrases to bag a hottie. Ranging from messages such as the flirty “I like to eat poop,” to the more philosophical “I am the Tinder of wisdom,” the consensus is that people appreciate edgy approach. Up your Tinder game by implementing the same carefree attitude; you won’t regret it and neither will your Tinder dates (because you won't get any!) (Yes they will Jackson that’s why we’re writing this article, Jesus Christ).
Tip #2: Lie and Say the Human Form is Beautiful
This doesn’t just apply to men looking for women: all people love to participate in thoughtful conversation about the artistry of the human body (and its disgusting contours and excretions). Consider suggesting you watch films like Cashback for your first date, in which the female form is truly appreciated by a hot, (sure), British man who undresses them without their consent. You can appreciate the boobs and your partner can appreciate the man behind the assault, or vice versa, depending on your preferences. The artsier (the creepier?), the better.
Tip #3: Hide a Condom In Her Dessert
We all know what I’m talking about, there isn’t a person on this planet that hasn’t seen the trope: the man proposes to the woman by plopping an expensive diamond ring into a flute of champagne, (wow great vocab, Britton, are you an English major?), or sliding it into a layer of chocolate cake. It works every time, and those men go home very happy and sexually satisfied (we’re talking about blowjobs here, but hand stuff is satisfying too, I guess). Adjusting this tip a little, it can apply to men, women, and all those in between; whether you’re using condoms or dental dams, the novelty of being proposed to is just as satisfying on a first date, and is bound to get you laid, (but only if safe sex gets you hot and heavy).
Tip #4: Don’t Be Scared to Point Out a Flaw
Look, people are just naturally insecure. It’s an inevitability of self consciousness, a symptom of western culture, (someone took gender studies), and an effect of, stay with me here, the patriarchy. Women fret about their stomach rolls, men take pills for their schlongs, and everyone wonders if their foot fetish is normal, (it IS normal BRITTON). Why hide from those inhibitions? When you meet your Tinder date, compliment their eyes, and then let them know that you see those stretch marks, and to be honest, they actually aren’t cute, despite society’s attempts to make them charming. Your date will appreciate your frankness, and will reciprocate by pointing out your own flaws, so that you both may begin the journey to plastic surgery and Shakespearean beauty (you’re so shallow Britton oh my God). Take Jackson and I as an example: I may despise his Hawaiian shirts, and I never miss an opportunity to tell him so, but those texts I get about his daily shits are what have helped us last (It was a real rough one) (Jackson, they’re always rough ones).