How To Be The Perfect Couple: Holiday Survival by Jackson Alias the main writer and
Britton Hansen the other main writer, we’re working on compromise right now
With our two-plus years of coupling experience, from fights, to sexual relations, to forming the perfect balance of desperate-yet-charming text messages, our mission is to mold you and your significant other into the Brangelina of your friend group. With Thanksgiving just a mere 364 days away, this week’s article brings you a series of tips to survive the impending Holiday season.
Tip #1: Resent Your Partner
If you ever wish you could have more stress during the holidays, you’re in luck! Try resenting your partner’s lack of tact as they have a conversation with your conservative grandmother. It takes the edge off of your hatred for your mother’s sweet potatoes with marshmallows.
Tip #2: Invite a Vegan
You know how you can tell when someone’s a vegan? It’s okay if you don’t, because they’ll tell you. During those lulls in conversation, your vegan friend will provide hot quips about subjects like factory farming, or their pet pig, Hamburger.
Tip #3: Pretend to Be Racist
Your aunt and uncle will inevitably be there, talking about second coming of the Trump family and how Jesus mailed your turkey directly to you via Priority Mail. You know a conversation will begin, through no fault of your own, about the awful diversity of the United States. At this point, it’s just easier to go with it, and pretend to be racist right along with them. Who knows, you might even realize you’re actually racist.
Tip #4: Say One of You is Pregnant (Most Probably the Man)
If you’re in a relationship that follows the binary structure of ‘60s America and you’re over the age of twenty, you’d better be married and expecting a child. Even if it isn’t true, the best-case scenario involves you and your significant other getting ahead of the family gossip. If someone asks you when you’re planning on getting pregnant, just say you already are, and gesture to your male partner’s potbellied stomach to imply that they are, in fact, the ones expecting.
Tip #5: Be Thankful for Everything
These days, it seems more important than ever to realize that there is something for everyone to be grateful for (except for that Goddamn family dog who is constantly begging for meat, you should definitely kick him across the room). Whether it’s those racist aunts and uncles, or your fake baby, or your partner’s incredibly aggravating habit of getting into heated political arguments, remember that at least you have those weird yams with marshmallows for sustenance.
Happy Holidays, from B & J