2017 ‘Ringer The’ Emmy Winners, by Sam Butler & Joe Maher

Alright, listen up readers. We know you don’t care about the Emmys. Honestly, we don’t even care about them. But we did this with the Oscars, so here we are doing it again. Sorry, we know, just bear with us.

Here are the 2017 ‘Ringer The’ Emmy Winners!

  • Drama Series
    • “Better Call Saul” (AMC)
    • “The Crown” (Netflix)
    • “The Handmaid’s Tale” (Hulu)
    • “House of Cards” (Netflix)
    • “Stranger Things” (Netflix)
    • “This Is Us” (NBC)
    • “Westworld” (HBO)
Ringer The Emmy: “Bojack Horseman” Season 4 (Netflix)
And Here’s Why: Nothing says ‘Best Drama Series’ like an animated comedy series about an alcoholic horse. Although the show’s set-up would seem to take it out of the running for this category, and the season we’re awarding technically didn’t come out in time to be in contention for this years Emmys, Bojack Horseman is our clear winner. The show’s gut-wrenching storylines and tear-jerking character arcs are astounding for a cartoon comedy, and feel so real that the animal puns and meta jokes are the only reason the show doesn’t transmit depression like a communicable disease. Bojack Horseman is an amazingly unique show in its ability to blend both smart and dumb humor with a heavy dose of heart-breaking sadness. It stands alone above the rest of today’s television dramas.

  • Comedy Series
    • “Atlanta” (FX)
    • “Black-ish” (ABC)
    • “Master of None” (Netflix)
    • “Modern Family” (ABC)
    • “Silicon Valley” (HBO)
    • “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” (Netflix)
    • “Veep” (HBO)
Ringer The Emmy: “Atlanta” (FX)
And Here’s Why: For those of you who have never seen this show, what are you doing? As the series’s creator, star, executive producer, best rapper, writer, executive music producer, inspirational speech giver, and actor who looks best with a peach in his mouth, Donald Glover made the greatest comedy show in this Emmy class and possibly ever. Atlanta combines comedy, drama, rap and every single famous person from Atlanta. The only problem with it is that Atlanta’s second season doesn’t come out until mid to late 2018 because of Donald Glover’s current acting job in a low-budget, foreign flick called Star Fights or Sun Wars or something like that. Really, Emmys, how did this not win? This is why no one likes you.

  • Limited Series
    • “Big Little Lies” (HBO)
    • “Fargo” (FX)
    • “Feud: Bette and Joan” (FX)
    • “The Night Of” (HBO)
    • “Genius” (National Geographic)
Ringer The Emmy: 2017 Eastern Conference Semifinals, Wizards vs. Celtics
And Here’s Why: This action packed limited series had a great 16 day, seven episode run until the Celtics and leading actor Isaiah Thomas decided they were destined for a bigger and better series and left. Most people believe the decision was made after the degeneration of the series’s co-star, John Wall. The series itself included a multi-city set, a real fist fight, a fake funeral, and Isaiah Thomas putting up as many points as he is inches tall (Don’t do the math. It’s right we promise). The emotional toll this series had on all of its viewers, what with the last-second twists and cliffhangers, made it the clear victor in the limited series category. If only the Emmys knew anything.

  • Television Movie
    • “Black Mirror: San Junipero” (Netflix)
    • “Dolly Parton’s Christmas Of Many Colors: Circle Of Love” (NBC)
    • “The Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks” (HBO)
    • “Sherlock: The Lying Detective (Masterpiece)” (PBS)
    • “The Wizard Of Lies” (HBO)
Ringer The Emmy: “La La Land” (Summit Entertainment)
And Here’s Why: Firstly, to clarify why we are allowed to give this award to La La Land: This category is simply titled “Television Movie.” Having not read the official Emmy rulebook, we can only assume this means a movie that has been played on TV. As frequent viewers of this film, we can attest that we have seen the movie on our televisions, making it a “Television Movie.”

Having gotten all of that out of the way, La La Land was the best movie of this award season. A musical treat for the ears, the film also told a story of dreamers, of love, of heartbreak, and of happiness. Given the mistreatment of La La Land on Oscar night, it’s only fair to try to make reparations with a Ringer The Emmy.

  • Lead Actress in a Drama Series
    • Viola Davis (“How to Get Away with Murder”)
    • Claire Foy (“The Crown”)
    • Elisabeth Moss (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
    • Keri Russell (“The Americans”)
    • Evan Rachel Wood (“Westworld”)
    • Robin Wright (“House of Cards”)
Ringer The Emmy: Evan Rachel Wood (“Westworld”)
And Here’s Why: If you were to change who won this award, would you give it to the lead in HBO’s futuristic/western/sci-fi/cowboy (is that confusing enough?) drama? We know we Evan Rachel Would. Armed with a southern accent and a corseted blue dress, Wood plays a robot/farmer’s daughter in the man-made ‘Westworld,’ and absolutely kills it. Of the two shows we watched in this category, Wood’s performance was by far the most impressive. “Doesn’t look like anything to me,” say viewers of the performances of the other five nominees.

  • Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
    • Pamela Adlon (“Better Things”)
    • Tracee Ellis-Ross (“black-ish”)
    • Jane Fonda (“Grace and Frankie”)
    • Lily Tomlin (“Grace and Frankie”)
    • Allison Janney (“Mom”)
    • Ellie Kemper (“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”)
    • Julia Louis-Dreyfus (“Veep”)
Ringer The Emmy: Emma Stone (“Maniac”)
And Here’s Why: Oftentimes, the idea of something is better than the thing itself. Whether that’s the case with this TV show is yet to be seen, because the show actually doesn’t come out until 2018. But until proven otherwise, this is the greatest show to ever air on TV, and in large part that fact is thanks to the stunning performance of Emma Stone. Her character ______ is a ________ who just can’t get enough of ________. But things take a turn when ______ enters, leaving ______ in a _________. A shining star in the _______ genre, Maniac makes audiences laugh / cry, largely thanks to Emma Stone’s jaw-dropping performance.*

*Blanks will be filled when the show airs.

  • Lead Actor in a Limited Series
    • Riz Ahmed (“The Night Of”)
    • Benedict Cumberbatch (“Sherlock: The Lying Detective”)
    • Robert De Niro (“The Wizard of Lies”)
    • Ewan McGregor (“Fargo”)
    • Geoffrey Rush (“Genius”)
    • John Turturro (“The Night Of”)
Ringer The Emmy: Benedict Cumberbatch (“Sherlock: The Lying Detective”)
And Here’s Why: Honestly, we really like saying his name. Benedict Cumberbatch. Ben-Edict Cumber-Batch. BEN E DICT CUMB E RBATCH. No matter how it’s spelled out it makes us laugh. The show is supposed to be good too, but come on, Cumberbatch. Hilarious.

  • Lead Actress in a Limited Series
    • Carrie Coon (“Fargo”)
    • Felicity Huffman (“American Crime”)
    • Nicole Kidman (“Big Little Lies”)
    • Jessica Lange (“Feud”)
    • Susan Sarandon (“Feud”)
    • Reese Witherspoon (“Big Little Lies”)
Ringer The Emmy: Shannon Purser (“Stranger Things”)
And Here’s Why: We’ve changed this award to Limited Actress in a Lead Series, since we don’t watch any Limited Series. As a character who (Stranger Things spoiler alert) disappears in episode two of the series, Purser’s role was undoubtedly limiting. Since, again, we don’t watch limited series’, we felt reworking the category name was a fair way to hand out the award.

  • Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
    • John Lithgow (“The Crown”)
    • Jonathan Banks (“Better Call Saul”)
    • Mandy Patinkin (“Homeland”)
    • Michael Kelly (“House of Cards”)
    • David Harbour (“Stranger Things”)
    • Ron Cephas Jones (“This Is Us”)
    • Jeffrey Wright (“Westworld”)
Ringer The Emmy: Todd Chavez (“Bojack Horseman”)
And Here’s Why: As we’ve previously established, Bojack Horseman is television’s best drama. As such, one of the show’s actors needed an award, and none is more deserving than Todd Chavez. Chavez absolutely disappears into his role as narrator in his rock opera Newtopia Rising, so much so that the rock opera is sabotaged by his friend Bojack as it is deemed “too provocative” for American society. Due to his being fictional, Chavez has often been overlooked by Emmy voters, and that is an award trend that has to end. #EmmysSoNonfiction

  • Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
    • Ann Dowd (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
    • Samira Wiley (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
    • Uzo Aduba (“Orange Is the New Black”)
    • Millie Bobby Brown (“Stranger Things”)
    • Chrissy Metz (“This Is Us”)
    • Thandie Newton (“Westworld”)
Ringer The Emmy: Millie Bobby Brown (“Stranger Things”)
And Here’s Why: This girl was born in 2004. She can’t drive a car, she can’t vote, she can still order off the kids menu, and she eats free on Tuesdays between 5:30-7:30 p.m. with the purchase of an adult combo meal at Chick-fil-A. The fact that she’s even in a TV show is enough for me to give her this award. But even if we had a higher bar for her, she still would have earned it. Relative to other actresses—not child actresses, actresses—Brown was amazing. It’s almost as if she wasn’t acting, she was Eleven, even though in real life she is thirteen.

  • Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series
    • Alec Baldwin (“Saturday Night Live”)
    • Louie Anderson (“Baskets”)
    • Ty Burrell (“Modern Family”)
    • Tituss Burgess (“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”)
    • Tony Hale (“Veep”)
    • Matt Walsh (“Veep”)
  • Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series
    • Kate McKinnon (“Saturday Night Live”)
    • Vanessa Bayer (“Saturday Night Live”)
    • Leslie Jones (“Saturday Night Live”)
    • Anna Chlumsky (“Veep”)
    • Judith Light (“Transparent”)
    • Kathryn Hahn (“Transparent”)
Ringer The Emmy: Alec Baldwin & Kate McKinnon (“Saturday Night Live”)
And Here’s Why: Why do the Emmys love Saturday Night Live and Veep that much? These two shows have seven out of twelve nominees for these categories. Anyways, we turned these two categories into one and just assumed that they got them both right. But like honestly are there not more comedy television shows with a supporting actress good enough to be nominated for an Emmy over two other SNL cast members? 

  • Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie
    • Bill Camp (“The Night Of”)
    • Alfred Molina (“Feud: Bette and Joan”)
    • Alexander Skarsgård (“Big Little Lies”)
    • David Thewlis (“Fargo”)
    • Stanley Tucci (“Feud: Bette and Joan”)
    • Michael K. Williams (“The Night Of”)
Ringer The Emmy: Mahershala Ali (“Moonlight”)
And Here’s Why: Again, this one’s on the Emmys for not naming the category better. Between a Limited Series and a Movie, we’re always going to award the movie. It’s just not a fair fight. And since a movie is taking home Supporting Actor, we’ll default to our Ringer The Oscar winner. See here: 
On a side note, let it be known that a co-writer of this article, Joe Maher, thinks Mahershala deserves this award on the basis that Ali’s first name starts with Joe’s last name. 

  • Directing for a Drama Series
    • Vince Gilligan (“Better Call Saul”)
    • Stephen Daldry (“The Crown”)
    • Reed Morano (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
    • Kate Dennis (“The Handmaid’s Tale”)
    • Lesli Linka Glatter (“Homeland”)
    • The Duffer Brothers (“Stranger Things”)
    • Jonathan Nolan (“Westworld”)
Ringer The Emmy: The Duffer Brothers (“Stranger Things”)
And Here’s Why: How do award shows even decide who the best director is? You can see the best film, you can hear the best soundtrack, but how do you know who directed a film the best? Unless you witnessed the filming of every television show made this year, you can really only guess who was the best director. So our guess is the Duffer Brothers. While the other nominees directed shows starring adult actors, the Duffer Brothers had to corral a group of children and teenagers who made up nearly all of their cast. Children, notorious for having sticky hands and not listening, are undoubtedly much more difficult to direct than adults. The Duffer Brothers earned this one, we assume.

  • Directing for a Comedy Series
    • Donald Glover (“Atlanta”)
    • Jamie Babbit (“Silicon Valley”)
    • Mike Judge (“Silicon Valley”)
    • Morgan Sackett (“Veep”)
    • David Mandel (“Veep”)
    • Dale Stern (“Veep”)
Ringer The Emmy: Donald Glover (“Atlanta”)
And Here’s Why: Similar to the Oscars, the Emmys don’t really understand what true talent is. Donald Glover shouldn’t have lost a single Emmy he was nominated for, so thank God he won this one. We really don’t think we would have continued writing this article if he had lost to yet another installation of Veep candidates. In all seriousness, Glover directed the hell out of Atlanta and all of you should watch that show. Wait, hold on, why does Veep get three nominations here, are they really all so outstanding that they needed to be split up? 

  • Writing for a Comedy Series
    • Donald Glover (“Atlanta”)
    • Stephen Glover (“Atlanta”)
    • Aziz Ansari and Lena Waithe (“Master of None”)
    • Alec Berg (“Silicon Valley”)
    • Billy Kimball (“Veep”)
    • David Mandel (“Veep”)
Ringer The Emmy: Aziz Ansari and Lena Waithe (“Master of None”)
And Here’s Why: Two other pairs of writers from the same shows are up for this award, but they’re listed individually while Ansari and Waithe are listed together. Why, you ask? I don’t know. Just another on the Emmys’ long list of flaws, we suppose.

Nevertheless, this writing duo created something truly beautiful with Master of None. The...

Ugh we can’t do this anymore. The Emmys sucks. There’s way too many awards that we don’t care about. So, here’s some awards that actually matter:

  • Best Scientist/Child, Grandfather/Grandson, Space Adventure Duo
    • Rick and Morty (“Rick and Morty”)
    • Doc Brown and Marty McFly (“Back to the Future”)
    • Darth Vader and Kylo Ren (“Star Wars”)
Ringer The Emmy: Rick and Morty (“Rick and Morty”)
And Here’s Why: Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'... You gotta come with me. I got a surprise for you, Morty. Come on, I got a surprise for you. Come on, hurry up. We gotta go, gotta get outta here, come on. Got a surprise for you Morty. We won an EMMYYYYYYY! Just kidding, awards are bullshit, Morty. G--grow up Morty. 

  • Best Rapper Cameo
    • Joey Bada$$ (“Mr. Robot”)
    • Logic (“Rick and Morty”)
    • Kid Cudi (“Two Night Stand”)
    • Ray J (“Kim Kardashian Sex Tape”)
    • Migos (“Atlanta”)
    • Childish Gambino (“Atlanta”)
    • Lil Kev (“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”)
Ringer The Emmy: Childish Gambino (“Atlanta”)
And Here’s Why: To call Gambino’s appearances in Atlanta a ‘cameo’ would be underselling them. The rapper didn’t just disappear into his role, he was also the first rapper to harness method acting in preparation for a gig. Outside of the show, Childish Gambino created a writer and actor named ‘Donald Glover,’ a persona he embodied for over 30 years in order to prepare for the part. As Donald Glover, Gambino wrote, directed, and starred-in Atlanta, redefining what society sees as a ‘rapper cameo.’ Almost too good for it, this award goes to Childish Gambino.

  • Leading Actor Who is Under Five Foot Seven Inches
    • Aziz Ansari (“Master of None”) 
    • Isaiah Thomas ("Eastern Conference Semifinals, Wizards vs. Celtics")
    • Peter Dinklage (“Game of Thrones”)
    • Any Stranger Things Kid (“Stranger Things”)
    • Ken Jeong (“Dr. Ken”... Actually, “Community”)
Ringer The Emmy: Aziz Ansari (“Master of None”) 
And Here’s Why: We know you’re probably reading this category and wondering, Why five-seven? Is that arbitrary or is there a real reason for that height? What’s wrong with a five-eight actor? Also where’s the Leading Actress Who is Under Five Foot Seven Inches category? Kids count? Isn’t Isaiah five-nine? For all of those questions we have very clear answers. We’re just not telling you. Congrats Aziz.

God, even the awards we come up with aren’t interesting. Why do they even hold award shows? TV and film are art, they aren’t done to be ‘the best.’ Television should be made because it’s beautiful, challenging, heartwarming, and comforting. Like any form of art, being the best isn’t objective, and by rating things and comparing them we don’t lift artists up, we tear them down. It’s fine to have a favorite show, of course, who doesn’t? But when we try to objectify art we tear away at its very meaning, and at the soul that yearns to shine through the product. The Emmys are detrimental to the very thing they hope to uplift, and we here at Ringer The cannot support them. Here’s to the eventual downfall of all award shows and hopefully never writing one of these again.

Make sure to check back later this winter for ringerthe.com’s Oscar predictions!