Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg: A Modern Day Jekyll and Hyde – In a Way, by Joe Maher

            Have you ever wondered why some actors look the same, yet aren’t the same person? Some are a coincidence, like Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry or Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus or Miley Cyrus and Zooey Deschanel. Some are actually the same person like Rupert Grint and Ed Sheeran. Some are actually shapeshifting lizard people like Selena Gomez and Mila Kunis. But some have much more peculiar reasons for their similarities. Take Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg (AKA Fake Matt Damon) for example. The two are supposedly different people right? Okay, tell me then, besides The Departed have you ever seen them in a movie together? No, I didn’t think so.
            The truth is confusing, it’s hard to grasp, and it’s unlike anything you’ve ever heard of before. The truth is, they are the same person, but also different people. I know it’s confusing, but bear with me and you’ll understand the truth after this article.
            I know some of you may be skeptical that they’re the same person. I mean, they’ve always been considered different. If you look at the facts, though, you’ll see. “Both” are 46-years old who grew up around Boston and average out to be 5 foot 9. “They” each have four children and aren’t only children.[1]“The two of them” have both been married since 2009 and look exactly the same. “They” were both even in Band of Brothers “together.” Wait, I’m sorry, neither were in Band of Brothers, that was Neal McDonough, who, oddly enough, is an unrelated 46-year old[2]. If these facts don’t start to tip you off to something, something’s wrong.
            So, since I’ve convinced you that they’re the same person let me now convince you the opposite because, for as much as they’re the same person, they’re also a little different. For one, do you think Mark could have ever co-written the best movie of all time with Ben Affleck? No, I don’t either. Could Marky Mark of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch ever pull of the most badass character of all time, Jason Bourne? No way! But, do you think Matt could ever get as ripped as Mark was in Two Guns or The Fighter? Impossible. One could say that Matt got the brains and Mark got the brawn.
            One would be right. Everything started when “they” were about 15 years old. At this time, they were a boy named Mart. Mart had always been interested in acting, but realized he’d never become famous with a name like Mart. He tried to do everything to change it to something more normal like Mark or Matt, but the Boston Government[3]wouldn’t let him change it until he was thirty. He knew he’d already be nominated for an Oscar and Grammy by then so he had to take more desperate measures. Mart went to a man that he had heard about deep into Old China Town in Boston. This man supposedly had access to fake identifications. When Mart got to the man he demanded 300 dollars on the spot and he would start the process. After an hour of waiting the man came back to Mart. “Done” is all he said. He wouldn’t give back the money or explain what happened, but he did offer a bowl of fortune cookies to Mart.
Mart took the fortune and trudged home knowing he’d never be in a movie with Donald Glover where he’s stuck on Mars or with a talking teddy bear voiced by Seth MacFarlane. Mart got home and opened up his consolation fortune cookie. Inside it said, “A journey soon begins, its prize reflected in another's eyes. When what you see is what you lack, then selfless love will change you back.[4]” The lights started to flicker, wind started to swirl and before Mart knew it he had fainted. He woke up next to a mirror looking at himself. But something was different, his reflection wasn’t moving.
As you can probably guess, his “reflection” was actually the creation of the other one. Mart screamed, awakening the other Mart. The two stared at each other with gaping mouths, unsure of what to make of the situation. They both looked at each other thinking the same thing: they had struck gold. They had the opportunity to be both Mark and Matt and leave Mart behind in the dust. Matt, the obviously smarter and better actor, could use his intellectual side to fight apartheid with rugby, date Liz Lemon, and win an Oscar. Then Mark, already a little bit bigger and seemingly dumber was going to be the brawn and be able to start his rap career, reenact the Boston bombing, and never win an Oscar.
As you can see, Mark Wahlberg and Matt Damon were always the same Mart, but have been separate for a long time. Neither have admitted it before this story broke, but when mistaken for the other, Matt Damon said he doesn’t correct people.  This is verified, 100 percent certified proof that these “two” were at one point one.
I know it’s a crazy story and one I didn’t believe at first, but after the news that this story was being created went public, “literally” “millions” of “sources” came to me to corroborate the evidence I already had and I started to believe it too. I mean it’s a little too much of a coincidence that they’re names are two letters different, look exactly the same, and are the same person for them to be different people entirely.[5]

[1]Holy shit, this article needs to take a quick pause. Mark Wahlberg has 11 siblings. Three are from his father’s first marriage and using my exquisite math skills that leaves eight plus mark. His mom must have been really bad at using birth control.
[2]Sources say he’s 51. Can’t confirm.
[3] In Boston they don’t adhere to the United States government, only the Boston one
[4] This quote which was later ripped off for the movie Freaky Friday.
[5]Mart’s family did file a missing person’s report that was never solved. To this day the cops story is that they believe Mart ran off to be in HBO’s Band of Brothers.